Someone asked me the other day, “Why do you meditate?”
When I was a newly ordained monk and first started Hokoku-An Zendo I used to give a lot of Dharma talks at Hokoku-An, at the MU Buddhist Association meetings, regularly at Hickman high school, at the Missouri Zen Center in St. Louis, and places in Kansas City and Jefferson city (Buddhist and non-Buddhist). After doing this for many years I stopped. Even though I’ve always known that Zen, (as a very specific form of Buddhism), is not dependent on words and traditional teachings I still thought that words might encourage people to practice meditation and to persevere in their practice. But the truth is, you can’t really encourage people to meditate regularly for long periods of time unless the person is already on the path or at the very least, sincerely seeking the path.
Those who meditate to “get something” like a calm mind, or a peaceful feeling, are limiting the scope of meditation. A calm mind or a peaceful feeling, both are just by-products of meditation practice, and are pretty easily acquired. But that’s not the heart of zazen, or Zen meditation. “Who am I?” “Before I was born, where was I?” “After I die, where will I be?” “What is life?” “What is my purpose in life?” “Why is there suffering?” Plenty of religions and philosophies have easy answers to these questions. Not Zen. From a Zen point of view, the only truly appropriate answer to these questions is, “Don’t know!”
So, to “attain” this “don’t know” mind, (I use the word “attain” with some trepidation here), one has to deeply inquire into the true nature of one’s self — who am I? (Which is another way of saying, “What is this?”). From moment to moment this self is in flux. Buddhism teaches that there is no fixed or permanent self: Rinzai’s “person of no rank, no title, coming and going.” True Self has no self — this is a basic fundamental teaching of Zen. So, if True Self has no self, then who am I? From moment to moment we appear and disappear. This activity, as I understand it, is Tatagatha Zen.
In a nutshell it’s like this: you have an apple in your hand. You look at it and assess it: it’s red and shiny and looks good enough to eat. All this is your “thinking mind.” You are the subject and the apple is the object and between you is distance. When you lift the apple to your mouth and take a bite distance disappears and subject and object merge — become one — and self disappears into the experience of tasting the apple. And then subject and object separate again and the thinking self returns and says, “Mmmm what a good apple.” But saying it’s a good apple doesn’t mean it’s a good apple. If you really want to share the true experience, the “truth” of the apple with someone there’s only one thing you can do: give the apple to the person and have her take a bite.
This “don’t know” mind is crucial to Zen practice because it cuts through the clutter of habitual thought and rumination. In so many ways, we’re as predictable as Pavlov’s dogs. Conditions supply the causes and causes have effects and we learn through repeated behavioral patterns how to respond to the conditions that make the causes that affect our lives. We’ve all heard the expression: If you do the same thing day after day and expect different results you’re either crazy or a fool. Well? There it is: “Same shit different day.” Zazen is the gateway to wisdom because it cuts through all the clutter and finally the apple is just an apple. Wisdom means doing what needs doing from moment to moment without the endless personal narratives of ego getting in the way. (Zen Masters have been saying: “Just do it!” long before Nike made the saying a commercial slogan for athletes and sports fans).
Why meditate? We meditate to experience life without all the many filters of thought that we’ve embraced and through which we habitually see the world. We meditate to understand the activity of Tatagatha as our True Self-nature — the nature of the unborn and undying. We meditate to break the spell of the ego on our lives. We meditate to open the fist of thoughts that we shake at the world so often. We meditate to experience our True Nature first hand from moment to moment by keeping a clear mind, free from attachment to I-my-me-mine. These are all very nice words, but so what? A picture of a feast never filled a hungry belly.
Most any kind of teaching always leads to a “Yes, but” response. That’s why Zen does not rely on words to express the truth. That’s why I stopped giving Dharma talks. Most people seem so attached to their ideas about the apple that they can’t really even taste it anymore: too much thinking, too much attachment. People have many ideas about meditation, about God, about heaven and hell, good and bad, right and wrong, about everything. Zen implores us to “put it all down” and go to that place of before thinking. Before thinking: who am I?
Just sit and see for yourself. Never limit yourself to some idea of what you might think meditation is or what you should or shouldn’t get out of it. Just do it, let zazen be the teacher, do it again and again, over and over and try, try, try, but without expectations and without attachment to trying. Just do it. Or don’t. That’s on you. No one can make someone meditate and no teaching can ever be complete if it relies on words alone. Sit and see for yourself. If that doesn’t help, have an apple!
Gassho,
Seido
Hokoku-An Zendo
10/25/20
